The Weight of the World

Feels like a punch in the stomach.

It could also feel like…the need to sleep for a very long time. But the problem is, the longer I sleep the more tired I become. Have any of you ever felt that way?

So school started last thursday.. And suprisingly enough I really wasn’t excited for it at all. Usally i wake up like 4 hours earlier than I’m supposed to to get the perfect outfit ready and to my hair…ya ya ya. The whole nine yards. THis time I just picked something I found, threw it on and left. It feels like ive been sucked into a time warp, because everyone is exactly the same. To be honest I havent wanted to be around anyone at all lately. I would much rather prefer to be alone, or to be with Sammi Lynn. It sort of is just too much to open up to many people now. I feel almost like a loner…but I guess not really because I do have alot of friends…Great friends. It’s just something going on with me.

So my teachers are pretty good. I like the ones I have this year, and I can see that I will grow to like them through out the year. I even have some the same ones I’ve had before. Psychology has to be my favorite class though. It’s like, absolute bliss to be included into a class that has everything ive EVER wanted to know. I could compair myself to a brittle and dry sponge, that has finally been thrown into the ocean. I just want to suck up as much information as I possibly can. Hellllloooooooo A+!

Oh yea! I forgot to mention how the commercial went. I ended up getting to be a lead extra for it, which was really exciting. My mom, Taylor and I all went across town to Tucson Accelerated Highschool for the shoot and by the time we got there, there was a ton of kids. Mostly people my age, but a ton of little kinder kids too. THey were being used for the teacher shot.
So we got in the building and I was pretty nervous. There were so many people! Basically they were all extras, but there were a few in the group that were lead extras like me. We all sat in the room together and began to talk and such. The girls I was talking to were about two or three years younger than me. One of them look EXACTLY like Angelina Jole must have looked as a girl. It was pretty freaky. I figure talking to her was he closest I will ever come to meeting the real one

So we waited and waited…and waited still. I can see why cast members become so close. There is nothing to do but talk during the waiting times. Eventually our first scene came up. We were all called into a  class room where we…take a guess!

WAITED! And pretended to take notes and such. It was pretty easy, but the most fun part was to see all the cameras. The people who said there lines recited them like 12 times each. It got rather dull after awhile. Soon after we finished, we were called outside to all walk in the building like 10 times. And with a huge group of kids, honking cars and people yelling, it made it hard to get a good shot. Finally after so many tries, they finally got the shot they wanted. Then the extras were told to go home, and the lead extras got to eat pizzas and eegees while they filmed us outside. It pretty much just felt like lunch time with some cameras watching. No biggie.

After waiting four more hours, we went into another class room and filmed the project part. It was fun because there was no audio so we could talk freely and such. The lead boy Rod was making funny jokes, so most of the laughing taped was because it was really funny. The same thing happened in the class room scene where Rod was giving a presentation, I made a silly cross eyed smile and he started laughing. I hope they caught that in the commercial.  Anyways, within the next couple of days it should be put online. AND that means I will put it on here!

SO. I don’t really know what else to say so im gonna head off.

-K-

When will it end?

I know that everyone seems to be complaining about the world so far…but yea it’s getting pretty bad. I mean, when you don’t have enough money to heat your bath at night…you know it’s getting pretty crappy. But enough about that crapness, how is everyone?

So, right now I am Micheal’s house working on some more blogs and stuff. By the way, what do you think about them? They are a pretty new I suppose, so they are still a work in progress I suppose. Just like everything else on this site. I talk about that enough though

I really reallllly miss my friends. Alot. I miss talking to Sammi Lynn, more than you would know. I hope she is doing alright. For those of you who don’t know, Miss Sammi Lynn is my best girlie friend. I haven’t seen her since school has gotten out, but we did send letters once. She lives far away from me, so we never get to see each other. It’s really sad, because we are so tight we can almost read each other’s mind. No joke, it’s amazing. UGHH! I just want to spend a day with her, I have soo much to tell her.

As for my other friends, I miss them dearly too. I hope they would be proud of all that I have created though.

Muhaha, i’m in a cleaning mood, so I think that I am going to buy some organizer junk and maybe super clean my room? That would be nice, I really want to work on my desk area but I don’t know what to do with it.

Oh, haha, I did my first “interview”. ABout Micheal’s utopian thing. It’s sort of…interesting. It’s got the whole new age thing going on. A little bit more extreme than my taste, but you may like it. Here’s the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAoqGsSPK80

Let me know if you like it.

SOOOO yea, I hope you are all having a frabulouzizzle day. And yes that is a word

Oh by the way if you like these blogs and what not, you can subscribe to the feed on the right hand side of the page. It will give you a little nudge or what not whenever I write a new blog.

Keep reading!

Love Love Love

-K-

PS look to the right of the page where it says Video Blogs, and you will see my newest one!

Arizona Love…I mean Rain

How utterly lovely. Arizona rain is the most beautiful event. We all prepare for it, wait for it and then rejoyce in it’s arival. Every year, around june and july the rain pours without cease in what is known as the monsoon season. I know it sounds on all romantisized and lame, but it’s true. Arizona rain is my favorite time of the year.
Here is a link to a video blog I made about it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nm2t9mmexSM

Well there. That’s my astounding blog for the day. Sorry it’s a tad lame. But….Iv’e been realllllllllllllly busy working on the site. I hope you’ll check it out soon. www.myrunaway.net

Love ya,

K.

Just Wow

So yeseterday was pretty frickin awesome, I must admit

By the way, sorry I haven’t been blogging at all lately. For some reason, the system wouldn’t let me in at all…So basically I was stuck. I figured it out and we’re good.

So yesterday was a day in which oppritunities saw full fruition. First off I didn’t work, so that was awesome in it’s own right. Second off, I went for my first commercial audition. !!! I know, fantastic huh? My mom and I went to this little coffee shop on practically the other side of the world, (Well for us at least), and met with the director of the commercial and his assistant. We talked for a while, about the commercial mostly and how it would happen and such. He seemed like a really great guy. He had a really nice smile and his assistant had really pretty brown eyes. After a while of talking, I read from this script they gave me. It was fairly easy, but I was kind of nervous so my voice was sort of tight. The commercial is about this new highschool or something. They want to promote it as being an alternative to regular highschool. At the end of the interview, the director told me I would be perfect for either the role of the teacher or the graphic designer. WOAH! How cool?! He told me that he would finalize casting by next friday and let me know what the results were. Basically it sounded really encouraging…so im really friggin excited. I hope I get the teacher out of the two. I think that would fit me better considering that I don’t even know what a graphic designer does. There will be three commercials in all, and they are shooting it on July 12th. I will let you know ASAP the results, I promise.

Also to end my day, I looked at stars, fell down dirt hills, ran, jumped, played, laughed, and ran into barbed wire fences.

Yesterday was absolutely AMAZING.

 Question of the Day-

What was the one dream you have had in your life that you were too scared to chase after? Why were you so scared? When was the last time you felt really alive?

But…that’s just how it is?

Goodmorning to the three of you who read this actively

I am sitting at my new desk, realizing that I need to go get ready for work…but I figure I should post something real quick. Holy crap, I don’t know what the self esteem has been like for you guys, but seriously these past few days….damn i’ve never felt more like a pathetic, geeky, loser in my life. I feel like i’ve been warped back to the geeky twelve year old who wore the overalls and head band everyday.

I’m not sure what brought on this feeling. Maybe i’ve just been really bored. I can’t say that it’s all been really bad. There have been a couple of things that have kept me from feeling completely hopeless. Just occurences that make me feel, like hey someone is listening to me. Someone knows how to make me happy.

EWWW. My blog sounds like a stupid typical sixteen year old pathetic girl. Gross. Feel free to ignore.

Except don’t ignore the Question of the Day!

If for some reason, aliens came and swept every person on the planet away….*in a spaceship of course* and then melted our brains away leaving us with the ability to remember one person. Who would you want to remember? (Well, pretend like you would remember your family) Who do you think would pick to remember you? Why do you think you should be remembered?

How important are you?

I Don’t Know

I feel so friggin alone right now. It’s not fun at all. You’ve felt it before, I know you have.

I just can’t find anyone to talk to right now, and I definatly need one right now. I miss the friend I can talk to about anything. Lame right? I think it is.

So tonight…I think i’m just going  to write a letter. Or a few of them. ONce I get my room cleaned that is.

Ohmygolly this post was BORING.

Sorry about that.

-K-

Question Of The Day:

Out of all your friends, who is the one you admire most and why? How exactly do you know you admire them? Do you feel bad about killing ants?

I like this picture, i think it looks pretty.

Under Lockdown

Sorry sorry sorry sorry! And once more, SORRY!!

I haven’t been updating as I should lately. It’s been near impossible to get onto to this portion of the site due to our hosting manager. Pshhh. So i’m sneaking on here to let you know that I am working a ton on the site and pretty soon you will see new layouts, new content and possibly a new chat program!

Bam, I know it’s exciting.

But right this very second I need to stop procrastinating and finish writing my drug paper. I have been writing papers lately that have been published on this education site, Sultan Education. So that’s pretty nifty. Oh and here’s where you can find them.
http://www.sultaneducation.com/Multimedia/Text%20Files/kaiti’s%20blog.html

That one is about divorce. Some of you may have read it already, but regardless it’s still super cool.

Alright my chillens (Children I will let you go. I promise my posts will be more exciting soon!!

Love love love,

-K-

PS.

QUESTION OF THE DAY

If somehow all the transportation in the world just quit, no cars, trains, airplanes, boats/ships, ect, and because of that you were forced to marry only one of your direct friends (Not just the people you have on myspace ) Who would you pick and why?

Assuming that our answer to the end of all traveling was marriage?

ANSWER BELOW 

Black Bird Singing in the Dead of Night

What time is it?

What am I doing?

What are you doing?

Different than my normal beginings, but..right now it’s 3:33 a.m and i’m not thinking as clearly as normal. Or maybe, I am. I woke up at 1 something and began reading a book…finished it. And now I sit here, wondering.

I wonder lots of things. Mostly having to do with what’s going on directly around me. I hope to be considered a deep thinker, but I fear that I am not.
Fear.

What do you fear? I can’t say that i’m fearless, because i’m not. I’m scared of lots of things. I bet you are too. You are, I can tell ;).

Electric fly swatters scare me. Electric anything scares me actually. There is something horrifying to me about the ZZZZAPPP noise it makes. It’s like that sound crackles down to my very spine. I want to run away as quickly as possible. My fear is actually so intense that if I feel that I can’t get out of the situation, I instantly start crying. Pleading almost.

Fire. Fire is a temptation. Beautiful and alluring, yet can make your skin bubble and pop without hesitation. I think that we take advantage of fire. If fire was a lady…She would feel un-loved and manipulated. And what does she get out of it? No one to hold her and the invariable end of ashes and water. She must be jealous of her sister…Miss Water. Water is loved. Water can be touched and embraced. Used and also respected. Maybe over the millions of years, she just stopped caring as much. Like a horse that has been broken, she feels there is nothing left she can do. I fear fire, because I see the true wrath of her pain. Yet, I am captivated by her beauty. Red, orange, yellow, blue, purple and even green. When she dies, the colors turn into grey and black. A rainbow.

Abandonment? This used to be a fear of mine. A strong one. But now, with the passage of time it has subsided into a dull pain lingering in my heart. I think this is because I’m used to it now. People come and go. THey always do. It’s just human nature. You can’t cling onto a person expecting them to stay with you forever. THey leave, and life goes on. I didn’t used to be like this. I was terrified of people leaving because it hurt so intensely. It has now faded, like a sharp rock, into something far more….acceptable? No. It’s just cold.

I’m afraid to sing in front of people, fail, try, speak out against adults, adults in general, driving, doing things wrong, suprisingly; breaking the rules, loud noises, being out of control, trust, saying what I really think, getting angry and then pushing people away, and hurting people’s feelings.

Basically, after reading what i’ve written you have one of two options:

1. Decidely label me as a pathetic, weak girl who is no different than anyone else. Boring and bland. (I’m on the verge of listening to myself and going with this option)

2. Like me a little bit for telling you the truth.

I don’t really care what you choose. In fact, I just really don’t care what anyone thinks anymore. I’m done trying to be someone else. My name is Kaiti and that’s that. Me. I don’t match clothes well, i’m naaive and I have big feet. But i’ll be the best friend you’ve ever had. Why.? Because I believe that other people are more important than me, and I want to make them happy. Pathetic? Yes. Honest and true? Yes.

Now you try being honest.
………
It’s harder than it looks, eh?

I guess this just goes along the lines of what that thank you message was about. A friend told the brutal hard truth to me, regarding me. I’ve never had a better conversation in my life. How many people openly tell you the truth? Probably not many.

So at the end of this really long post, I want to thank you for reading another page in my story. And i’d like to ask you to leave your thoughts and comments in the box below too. I like hearing what you liked and didn’t like about my posts. I like to know that I’m not talking to my self at 4 A.M. Well….technically I am currently, because I bet none of you are awake!

So be it!

-K-

Thank You

This is for you. I will never forget how you changed a part of me tonight.

So…

Thank You.

 This video was taken down. Sorry for the inconvenience.

-6-15-08-

Redemption….While Mopping the Floor

Kalimera! (Greek for hello)

It occured to me today, that.. the past is the past. I am a different person than I was back a few years ago. I made mistakes…no doubt you have too, but now they are over. I can live…breath….dance, sing, laugh…just like any other person and not feel like I don’t deserve to.

Silly thoughts perhaps, but what else is there to think about while mopping the floor? Actually, it was before that, that my whole world was molded again. I guess it happened like this:

I was sitting on the floor at work talking with my two other co-workers. We talked about books and life. Nothing too shattering. Until…we started talking about religion. Again. (Ha, it’s like going to church everytime I go to work) I am fasinated by religion, but I sometimes get uncomfortable with it, because..perhaps I don’t feel good enough for it? I’m not really sure. So, we start talking and my stupid human biased mind begins saying, “Ha, what do these do girls know about life? Betcha they’ve never even had a sip of fruit punch..” I was just about ready to tune out, when the oldest girl says,
“Yea, I was a real party girl back then. You know, sneaking out, getting drunk…you name it i’ve done it.”

Wow.

I was shocked. Really and truly. She wasn’t perfect! And she wasn’t even trying to be. Here was a girl who had some problems, but took them into her own hands…and now look at her today. An active member of church. Not to mention really cool. I admired her so much. Probably even more than she will ever know. I wanted to tell her that. I should have. I didn’t though. But I hope she knows someday. I hope she knows, that just by her being honest and open, she helped me develop another chapter of my life. A new chapter I can write in and make what I want it to be. I don’t need to be afraid any more. I am Kaiti…and you know what? I’m proud of that. I think that at least for this very second….I know who I am.

I wanted to thank you all who commented about praying. It got me to thinking. Prayers can be anything you want them to be. You can pray anytime you want to, even when your walking to work. It’s not about what you ask for, it’s about the fact that you are connecting with not only God (or whoever you choose to worship) you are connecting with your self. Positive affirmation and acknowleging your problem actually does help. Even if you are atheist…I still think it’s ok to pray. It’s like acknowleding what you want, and listening to your inner voice to try and figure out how to get it. My conclusion: Praying is good, no matter how you do it.

I’m sorry this post wasn’t funny or clever…this time I decided it was more important just to mark down this moment in my life…and hopefully pass it on to someone else who needs it. Thanks for reading

-K-

PS-

Donna, thank you for reading too! It’s nice to have some new feedback!